The business section of the internet is full to the brim with ‘how to explain your business’ articles. So, for a change, we’re taking the idea from the opposite direction.
This is a guide for businesses who want to completely confuse potential clients and make sure that they absolutely do not want to buy your product or service!
Use as much jargon as possible
It’s really important to throw as much industry language into meetings as possible, especially when you’re speaking to non-experts. This bamboozles the potential client into thinking you look really knowledgeable. People will probably just nod along and think ‘I’ll just google what they mean later’, in an attempt to save face.
It’s also a great idea to use as many words as possible to describe your service or product in all written materials and online content. Say the same thing in as many different ways as possible, using the most complicated words you can think of. For example: why say ‘use’, when you can write ‘utilise’?
Everybody loves wading through lots of writing, so for goodness sake don’t use any subheadings or lists. Write enormous paragraphs full of complicated detail. But don’t connect any of it to how it helps the client – they’ll appreciate it more if they have to work for it.
Never follow up
Once you’ve dazzled prospective clients with all your knowledge, just throw away those pesky business cards and don’t bother logging their number in your phone first. If they want you, they’ll find you.
None of this emailing or phoning after so many days either. And don’t bother them with any old nonsense that you might have seen and thought they’d find useful. No one wants any of that thoughtfulness, they just want a job to get done.
You know what you’re selling and that is all that matters. You have to get the word out there and that’s not done by sitting listening to everyone else. Forget about what the client thinks they need. You’re the expert, you tell them. There is no reason to waste everyone’s time listening to their problem, you know you’re going to solve it. No amount of them explaining their business needs is going to improve your offering.
Avoid the internet
Do NOT venture into the virtual online business world. All those communities, forums, groups and networking meetings are a total waste of time. Why would you want to fake meet a load of people that do the same thing as you? You can’t even tell if they’re real people and not bots nowadays.
You pretty much only need a website if you’re some kind of new-fangled business that does stuff online. Social media is just a nightmare of complaints and slander waiting to happen – avoid like the plague. Clients will love the fact that they can only see you in person or speak to you on the phone without the hassle of finding you online. They won’t be at all confused that you don’t have a website to showcase your marvellous work.
Consider all others the enemy
Whenever you get the chance, spread a few rumours about the competition. Doesn’t matter if they’re not true. Every little bit of doubt helps the business come to you instead of them and no one will ever find out it was you. For goodness sake don’t start passing on work to people in the same game, or recommending other businesses if you’re too busy to take on the work. Hog it and make the client wait till you’ve got a slot available. You’re not learning anything from hanging out with people in the same field, they are the enemy. And now the prospects are confused and a little bit scared of the competition. Perfect.
Do the exact opposite of everything we’ve just said and you’ll be in a great place to win new business from clients that understand your product or service! This whole article is intended to be a little business ‘in’ joke. Of course this is not how we view business at LRBC, but we do think that most things can be improved by adding a bit of humour.
We look forward to meeting you and finding out all about your business.
Image credit: Pixabay
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